Tales Of A Hungry Bunny

Bye!

2006-01-19T04:33:00.000+08:00

If you are reading this from bloglines, i have shifted yet again to http://www.onelittletwit.com!

I am ...

2006-01-17T00:24:00.000+08:00

comfortably sitting back in my cozy couch and watching the laughable melodrama happening around blogosphere and .. to add insult, i have my popcorn with me.

deciding that i will never get involved in such silly crap.

reinforcing my belief of the day after today.

My mother told me so. My teachers told me so. It must be said that everyone knows that or at least everyone has been somehow educated or taught that procrastination is no good. Therefore, I only believe in the power of the present.

edited because i really shouldn't be a mean bitch.

The Empress and her painting slave

2006-01-10T00:03:00.000+08:00

In general, i like painting. The swishing and swooshing on the wall is awfully, awfully therapeutic. It's an aged wall, tainted with rust, dirt, pencil stains and whats-not but you make the difference. You grab a brush and you roll it all around. You attack the dirtier bits first and you coat it a few times to make sure it's totally covered so that you will not be reminded of the less glorifying moments. You wipe the slate clean. You start all over again.

I love painting walls but i hate painting ceilings. And today under the command of the Empress, i painted the living room's ceiling. And she refused to let me use the ladder because she said i am too fat and will spoil her ladder. I paused.

Thinking i might have misheard, i asked her again. I gave her another chance.
Slave: "Why you don't let me use the ladder?"
Empress: "Because you so fat, surely fall off the ladder and spoil the ladder one. Then i have to spend $60 to buy another ladder. Get off the ladder lah!"

And thus disheartened by the Empress's apparent inhumanity, i spent the next two hours tilting my head in a 90 degrees angle, slaving away and by the time i was done, i was prepared to remain permanently in the nose-up-in-the-air-so-sue-me position.

Luckily my love for painting kept me going on. Now the ceiling is a nice blue and everytime i look at it, i will remember how i am not allowed to use the ladder.

Rambling because i got nothing to say

2006-01-07T01:21:00.000+08:00

There is nothing i hate more than oily hair and oily face.

(postscript: Yes yes i chopped a place in Wordpress.com, ala the true fashion of me, now bidding my time. Ha, and i've chosen back onelittletwit again. It's strange, after stopping to be onelittletwit for so long, somehow i found that onelittletwit is more me than thehungrybunny :) Sorry to break your heart Dfe!)

Cafe, Me

2006-01-05T12:14:00.000+08:00

The interesting part about this cafe i am usually found at on the eastern part of Singapore is that i get to meet people. I not only see new faces there, mind you. I see a lot of old faces that i had relegated to the back of my mind a long long time ago. These people had little or some impact in my life at one point in time or another but were forgotten, having given way to the changes in circumstances, the passing of time or maybe .. even nothing at all. The link just broke down. It just did.

The best part about this masquerade is that none of them actually recognised me unless i make the first move. I enjoy the privacy of those thoughts that ran through my head after i spot them and the biting of lips while i contemplate on the next course of action. Should i go up and say hi? Or should i just leave the current status quo be?

Guy 1 - WC
WC and i had been colleagues at the first company i started out with. At that time he was 25 and i was a mere chit of 19. We went out a couple of times and had something going on for a short while. We lost contact after i left the company. And to be frank, we were never close friends. I said hello because i saw him cast a look of recognition at me. We exchanged some formalities and i found out that he is now working as a pilot. And so we said goodbye and i didn't ask for his contact number because i do not foresee myself keeping in touch with him and i did not want to be pretentious by asking for a number i'll never call ... and even though i sound like i am generalizing, but the last reason was because he is a pilot. I do not want him to assume that i am hankering after him because he has a job that makes him generally desired by some females.

Guy 2 - Sda
Sda was my ex-secondary schoolmate. Although we're never in the same class but we saw each other in school numerous times before and i had quite an infamous reputation then. I saw him at the cafe with his girlfriend but did not acknowledge him. Recently, at a friend's engagement party, he asked me for my name as he did not recall ever seen me in school before or "either that, you've changed a lot" he said. I giggled and as i was rushing for time, left the conversation at that till the next time. The change in my appearance really is just the disappearance of the mushroom cloud of frizzy hair resembling that of a hiroshima bombing. Rebonding does wonder, i tell you.

Guy 3 - Lion
Lion's story is short, simple and sweet. We were in the same class for a year post-college and he dropped out after a while. We maintained contact via text messages for a while and after that we obliterated each other. He too, did not recognise me.

Guy 4 - Kris
Kris was like an elder brother to me at one point in time or another when i was about 21. He would bring me out to play pool, drink and even to a houseparty held by his friend. When i first knew him, he was just out of a relationship as his girlfriend was overly suspicious of him. She would screen his calls and messages, prevent him from going out with his friends. He felt stifled but he still loved her. The broken link came about when i invited him to my birthday party. We were all excited and it was agreed that he would make his 'famous' potato salad and dropped by. A day later, he messaged me saying he can't see me anymore because he was back with her and she doesn't want him to see any of us. Being 21 and angsty, i messaged him a lot of angry words berating him for cowardice and refusal to stand up to her and so, that was it. I saw him again yesterday. His hair is now much longer and unkempt but otherwise very much the same. He still painted a melancholy picture and as his car sped away into the night, i found myself thinking a little about him and then firmly put him away.

Now older and wiser (so i choose to believe), there are many people i keep and try very hard to keep in my life but also just as many people who stir up old ghosts and whom i choose to let go.

We cannot have it all. And i also believe, it's all for the better.

[Oh, and the temptation to move to Wordpress.com is big but i'm still bidding time until they allow the users to modify their own templates.]

4 days into the New Year

2006-01-04T19:53:00.000+08:00

4 days into the new year and everything felt the same after the first. I woke up in the morning expecting to find a wonderland with ferris wheel and carousels, cotton candy, popcorn and a whole lot of balloons. Instead i woke up in a room with flying, deflating balloons, sad poppers that had outlived their survival and a group of noisy friends. But i had a message from a man who didn't forget like i presume he would and so that made my morning a sweet, enjoyable one.

These 4 days, i felt a zest for living anew and it seems like it is not only me who probably felt that way. A man came into my life and despite his initial nonchalence at keeping up conversations and making any effort to take things one step further, he is now the one who is diligently messaging me and gave occasional pleasant surprises of proposing to send me home from wherever i was. That is good news. I also emailed the smiley man who is currently in a far far away land, wishing him a happy new year and after a few exchanges of insult which is traditional, he finally surpassed himself by conceding that he misses me which he probably wouldn't have admitted even if i tried drowning him in beer last year.

This year bodes well by the look of things these 4 days. And i didn't get sick even though my house is currently full of flu germs generously spread by my sneezy, coughy parents. Now i feel even more invincible.

Transit

2005-12-31T12:18:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

2005 had been a year of greatness. Great ups. Great downs. I am sad to see it go, i am happy to see it leave.

In 2005, two close friends returned after their studies from down under. In 2005, i made a career switch after much deliberation which resulted in spending the most wonderful month in a foreign land. The sky i saw then was forever blue and the land in front of me, a neverending stretch. It enriched me, it seduced me, it made me fall in love with life all over again. I laughed carefree, wearing my yellow plastic raincoat, twirling round and round in the mist of Niagara Falls. I sat in the red, buzzing electric trams, snaking our way round the city. I was on board the Tall Ship Kajama, watching the city of Toronto on a scenic Saturday afternoon. I was at the top of the CN Tower watching blinking lights. I walked through the Rainbow Village and was a happy visual participant of Gayrobics. I stood in awe inside La Basilique Notre-Dame de Montréal. In 2005, i fell in love with Giraffe which did not result in reciprocation of the same sort. In 2005, Bangkok was amazing. The food was amazing, the shopping was amazing, we were amazing. In 2005, we made a pact for 2012. In 2005, friendship suffered a huge blow from an unprecedented event.

In 2006, hope there is someone who set my heart free. In 2006, i want to find much more meaning in what i do to indicate that my life has just begun. In 2006, i want to radiate more positivity, poise and zest. In 2006, i need more music. In 2006, i know i could have it so much better.

Give me a Ken and i'll show you a Barbie

2005-12-29T12:05:00.000+08:00

Franz Ferdinand is coming to Singapore in February. And i'm most probably going to watch them live at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. And to that i say "Weeeeee".

To inspire me to learn how to become a great girlfriend, JayWalk gave me some tips he found online. And i found the tips so ludicrous! The 10 ways to be a good girlfriend seems to idolize perfectly useless qualities.

1. She's beautiful.
2. She lets you be a man.
3. She's sexual.
4. She respects you.
5. She's intelligent.
6. She's independent.

And if there is such a woman as above ... she would already have been taken up, married or lesbian! Wake up males!

Let me list you MY imperfections and tell you why you should love me for it.

1. I have more love handles than you can hold.
So you may never "Oww.." in pain after banging onto my ribcages or hipbones but on the contrary, you feel comfortable and want to bang somemore. Armed with my uber bouncy love handles, you can squeeze me like a stress ball whenever you feel stressed out.

2. I snort in laughter when i encounter something particularly funny.
And snorting is infectious! When a man sees a girl snort, the first thing he may feel is disgust and wonders why the girl is so "tak-glam" but then when he sees the girl having so much fun snorting and convulsing in laughter, he'll feel like doing it too and he can do so without pressure.

3. I whine like a ninnybaby sometimes.
And that will give the man a chance to reassure me, shows off his persuasive power.
"I'm fat!" "No you're not?" "Really?" "Yes, *shun-ba!" "I still feel fat!" "..."

4. I am scared of cockcroaches.
Again! Lo behold! It lets the man exert his fearlessness and grab the scrambling cockcroach and fling it out of the window while the woman grasped her hands and stare in adoration.

5. Occasional spats of bimboticism
"Wow, it's pink! It's a Hellooooo Kitty!" "Awww so cute!" So that the male may never feel intellectually-challenged and it allows him to exert his supremacy by being able to resist acting that way. Great way to make males lower their defense against us.

6. I grow pimples!
So i may irritate the man twenty times a day with my constant pointing at the pimple on my face until he wants to tie up my hands and get kinky on me!

And my point being .. i am unique. You don't love a girl just because she is beautiful, she lets you be a man, she is sexual, she is independent and she is intelligent because she will be so beautiful that you will never feel adequate, she has to let you be a man because you are not man enough, she is sexual and unfortunately you can't satisfy her, she is independent and so she doesn't need you and for a grand finale, she is intelligent enough to dump you at the end.

You find a Barbie for that perfect girlfriend ... but even Barbie is not perfect.

* shun-ba: hokkien term for "I swear".

This Christmas

2005-12-26T22:17:00.000+08:00

And this Christmas, i cut and dyed my hair. I don't have to try to find my parting everyday and end up with a messy one. I have no parting now! Just comb everything down. This Christmas, i discovered a new band - The Wallflowers

This Christmas i received a small FM radio so i may now listen to Lush FM in an energy-saving way by means of 2 AA batteries. This Christmas, i crawled up to Mount Faber on a cab, watching the unimpressive lighting of a high-voltage "tree" if it can be called one. This Christmas, i made a baby stressed out and cried. This Christmas, i made a post-Christmas date with Pod for beer. This Christmas, i watched a Japanese porn movie, thinking it's a comedy. This Christmas, i posed for pictures with four Christmas trees.

What did you do this Christmas?

Merry Christmas

2005-12-26T03:01:00.000+08:00

This Christmas, i feel the current entity weaning off some preconceived notions and childish demeanour and in return, an older being found her place.

Have yourself a Merry Christmas by Hem.

Takker Så Mye

2005-12-23T01:53:00.000+08:00

The coincidence of all things never more possibly coincidental is that i heard news that Sigur Rós might be coming to Singapore. At that, i don't know if i should cry or laugh at the ironic composition of it all.

See you there.

Goodbye and i'm glad i didn't leave her behind

2005-12-20T14:24:00.000+08:00

I saw him walk through the gate, never to look back and i cried like a drowned fish. Yet when the same torturous day passed by slowly and new realization and doubt came in place, the pain slowly ebbs into a trickle.

At least all words unspoken and all actions unobtrusively observed will be sure to lose itself in the changing history of things. Leave it as a beautiful part of memory where things were fine and dandy. If i always think of you in a positive light, you would always stay beautiful ... and forever lost to me.

So with that, take care, have a beautiful life and be happy.

It's not something i wish someone would have to experience because it makes you lose a lot of faith in others and seeds of doubt start to vein its roots. In the end, you start to doubt yourself. There might be no escape. It could end up a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am rather glad that the new year is coming soon because it means i can setup a new lot of resolutions to break. The fun is in the process of creation.

She moved through the fair

2005-12-18T18:03:00.000+08:00

Of recent, i have a vision of a woman pale in complexion, a light dusting of freckles, her cheeks of a dusty pink and her eyes dark as midnight, dressed in floaty gauze-like dress, weaving her way through a mayhem crowd, leaving an ephemeral air behind.

She stepped away from me
And she moved through the Fair
And fondly I watched her
Move here and move there
She went her way homeward
With one star awake
As the swans in the evening
Move over the lake.

"She moved through the fair" by Loreena McKennitt

The power music has, to make one imagine and stir up dormant recesses. And i found myself thinking of the road thus travelled, the decisions i made at each crossroad and silently grateful for each fork of the road has brought me to where i am. At this stage in time, i am on a vast field with nothing in the distance but the bare outlines of the mountains. And on this vast field what seems like to stretch for miles on end, there is only planted greenery that reached my waist as i waddle my way through. I am expecting to find nothing but yet convinced that over the yonders, there will be something worth my while. The paranomic view around me is what is described as la serenissima and that it takes my mind away, despite the fact i am without company. Then i realized that being alone is a phase in life. The phase in life whereby i am surrounded by so much beauty, metaphorically speaking but yet i am not proud. I remain unsullied. The co-existing state of these two worlds allowed me heightened senses. The clash of character within me makes me misanthropic and yet sanguine, enabling to walk the middle path.

Each person stands at a different place at every transiting stage in life. And each place stands for the circumstances and environment experienced by the individual then. I am standing on a vast area, staring into a stretch of blue sky and green fields. Where are you standing right now?

Follow-up call from a giraffe's trail

2005-12-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

The problem with loving ... a man who doesn't love you back is after he manages to find himself happiness, you get a sour feeling, liberally laced with bitterness and then your logical mind beautifies it - the aftertaste is a mixed cocktail of heartache, magnanimity and a stronger will to let go. And this special drink is just me. Everyone has their own unique blend and the order in which it is delicately mixed, makes each loving experience one that will never be understood by others.

And if you remember the tall male canadian fella, the one whom i lovingly coined giraffe, has found someone he likes. Finally, i may add. And the news was broken to me gently in the evening during dinner by another colleague. I saw her dart looks of apprehension towards my direction, uncertain how i would react but i did not respond much and even managed to smile. The birthday dream was broken and hence i did not harbour any remote hope of being labelled as "us" ever again and neither would i ever reconsider him as an option should suddenly one day pigs decide to sprout wings and fly subsequently receiving an invitation from him for a date.

And so i heard, the girl is a malaysian malay. She works and studies part-time. And she apparently works at the O'Brien's just below the office and they dated several times. Well at least, he would have big portions of O'Brien's sandwiches, i mused.

I lost a birthday wish but at least i gain a Christmas one. To know how it was like to feel such acute pain and also to let undeserving people out of my life.

Popping the questions and kissing the toys goodbye

2005-12-12T23:41:00.000+08:00

I had totally forgotten how nice it would be to dine in my vicinity immensed in a smoky satay cloud under the cool evening weather even though it meant emerging smelling like ammonia - pungent enough to revive the nearly dead.

And he popped a few interesting questions along my way. Haha, no one has asked me silly 'get-to-know-you' type of questions in a long while.

"If you choose to be drunk, which is the sweet poison you would drown yourself in?" "Mojitos and Capirinhas" said i and then he looked at me in disbelief. "You mean those cough-syrup type of drinks?!" But i love them, i love the mint leaves and the lime.

"How about the four things you would never do?"
"Orgy, heroin ,cocaine and superglue."
"You mean you would do a threesome?" he gasped in disbelief again.
I wisely chose my silence.

"How would you feel if your children ever do weed?"
"Go ahead, try it, just don't get caught or get hooked."
And he shook his head in utter disillusion or disappointment or disbelief or all. He must think me a terrible future mother.

* * *

And i watched the huge, soft toys go unceremoniously into big, shapeless plastic bags grimly - they who used to bring me joy, a kind of joy like any other teenager would feel at receiving the biggest teddy bear so that she could mentally lord over the others who did not receive the same. And unlike a lot of other girls i knew then, i had less experience of such joy because i received one of the least shares of huge soft toys. Simply, i did not inspire men to give them to me at my prolonged stage of homeliness during pubescence.

So each and every toy meant something - it holds a share of the memory pie that was bliss and comfort. Today, the soft toys are going away. They are to be shipped to Canada whereby they will be hugged and loved by other children like i could never afford them to be. With me, they could only be confined in a box but with other kids in the orphanage, they would be fully recognized and valued for their worth. I love Canada and wished for all my heart to be back frolicking in the snow at this time of the year. But since i could not, i sent a part of me there, to spend a lifetime gazing at endless fluffy clouds and speeding across low, flat buildings with the wind rushing past my hand, feeling euphoric. These toys are Christmas presents for the children. No more suitable occasion to depart. No better and more meaningful way to say goodbye. I wish you are happy wherever you are.

At least, you can now fly.

Dan Ryans

2005-12-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

If you were at Dan Ryans last night and heard a group of people of making a huge racket and had cursed us for it, we're truly sorry but we were having so much fun!

My company, in order to cater for a visiting guest, decided to welcome Christmas early this year. In the restaurant, we wined and dined, shrieked like hyenas and posed for the multiple cameras like truly accomplished camwhores. We feasted on fragrant banana and walnut muffins, dry as sawdust cakes, cheese-drenched nachos with meat toppings, red-hot buffalo wings, tasty soup with thin crackers, australian fillet mignon, steaming racks of ribs, stuffed turkeys with cranberry sauce and log cakes adorned with plastic figurines. We ended up outrageously piling food on unsuspecting victims' plates because we couldn't finish up!

In a bid to be festive so early in the month, i donned my very shiny and bright red top with over-the-top silver sequins and a sombre black skirt complete with sparkly make-up, my pair of reindeer horns and a red nose that would have done Ruldoph proud. Dape complained that i seemed to take on a new alter ego whenever i put on "The Nose". I would start assuming this air of a tragic reindeer, looking very mournful indeed. And somehow i feel that way too. And so like a nimble reindeer, i whirled my way around the two long tables, mingling.

We moved on elsewhere after our good meal, spirits incredibly heightened by the effects of the rich wine and that's when we did further silly things like pretending it's someone else's birthday when it's not, getting the band to sing a birthday song and started singing and clapping and stomping along and also dedicating a song for "The Birthday Boy" - "Wake me up when September ends". The whole mood suddenly went all from happy to pensive in an instant when the song request was adhered, having the sad fact of reality overwhelming us knowing that we enjoy each other's company so but yet by a strange twist of fate we met and now have to separate in a week's time, most probably relegated to a lifetime of proximity and leaving a trail of yearning hearts in its wake.

Void Deck is a happening gathering place

2005-12-09T10:12:00.000+08:00

And i was sitting at the void deck waiting for a friend to come pick me up for a spin at 12.10am. A little old lady hobbled along and sat opposite me, scrutinizing me. Then she started talking to me.

Old Lady: "Do you feel i'm breathing too fast?"

*peers at her and observed her breathing*

Me: "I don't think so, you look okay to me, just a little tired maybe."
Old Lady: "I feel that i am breathing too fast."
Me: "Oh okay, take a rest, no need to rush."
Old Lady: "Do you live here?"
Me: "Yeah, just behind that block."
Old Lady: "Do you talk to your neighbours?"
Me: "Sometimes, not all the time. I just smile at them."
Old Lady: "That's good. If you talk less to them, the less trouble."

I nodded in agreement thinking of the Joo Chiat neighbourhood incident.

Old Lady: "Got this eurasian old lady staying next to me. She always talk to me. I don't like talking to her at all."
Me: "Maybe she is just being friendly."
Old Lady: "If i go out and eat beehoon and when i reached home, she will come over and tell me that she saw me eating beehoon. So kpo right? She keeps following what i do. When i bathe, she bathes too. When i take my umbrella to go out, she follows me out. When i went to meet my friend, she also follows us. My friend My friend said i still pretty and youthful and asked me why i bring old grandmothers out and not bring pretty young things out. I don't like bringing old grannies out."

And so, she left me gaping a little at her comment. She must have been about 60 if not more with a head of white crowning glory, oversized tshirts, huge bags but i imagine she could have been pretty when she was younger for she still has relatively good skin. Soon, she decided to go on her way and asked if i sit at the void deck often because she likes talking to me and off she went.

Five minutes later ...

Cat-feeding Uncle: "Good Morning."
Me: "Good Morning."
Cat-feeding Uncle: "Here so early?"
Me: "Yeah, i'm waiting for a friend to pick me up."
Cat-feeding Uncle: "I've been feeding cats here. I am 80 years old and i like to do good while i still can."

*Nods very agreeably again*

Cat-feeding Uncle: "Oh dear, i can see you have a pretty big problem here..."
Me: "Oh really? That sounds bad."
Cat-feeding Uncle: "Yes it is. Turn your face to the right. Yes, that's right. Now turn your face to the left. Yes, it is a big problem. The problem is that you are too pretty. That's a pretty big problem don't you think?"

*I guffawed in laughter and disbelief over the apparent corniness.*

Cat-feeding Uncle: "Not bad for a 80 years old uncle huh? I can still pick up girls."

And so he sat down and shared with me stories of the neighbourhood, how that particular block he is staying has 15 ex-mental patients living in it and it's not suitable for me to be running around that area at night and how his children and his friends like to give him wallets and he'll display them on the walls. He then brought out his huge wallet kept in place by at least 5 rubber bands to show me. The reason why he doesn't change his wallet, he says, is so that he doesn't have to worry whose wallet he is using and cause discontent amongst those who gave him a wallet. Just then my friend came and i had to go.

It's weird how sitting at the void deck at 12.30am in the morning attracts people talking to me.

Ah Sa Hee

2005-12-07T23:56:00.000+08:00

And the dinner at Siem Reap was altogether enlightening and gigglish. Two bottles of Asahi were all it takes to unleash all the inhibitions and get us talking about more personal topics which otherwise as colleagues, might never been mentioned at all.

And that dinner made me feel quite good actually, a better understanding of the things at hand and a desire to leave no tongues wagging. I can't wait for 2006 to come really because i am determined this time to make a new start out of all the scraps and pieces.

When he said he enjoyed our dinner together very much as usual, somehow i knew he wasn't paying lip service (because he usually doesn't say that kind of stuff at all) and that feeling makes me feel like a girl who has so much to offer the world once again.

Feels like a little girl,
trying to conquer the whole wide world.

If i should die ...

2005-12-07T18:35:00.000+08:00

To prevent people from having controversy whether they should or should not keep my blog alive or do something more (should they want to) if i should die one day, this is the below:

1. It'll be nice to keep the blog alive but if you can't or if at any point in time anyone start arguing, don't. I'm sure my memories will prevail over this blog.
2. If you are thinking of publishing my entries into a book, don't! I'm sure my family will have much kinder memories of me without this blog.
3. Do not at any point in time do any stuff like setting a gallery in my stead or anything at all but if you meet Yoshitomo Nara, tell him i love him.

2012

2005-12-06T23:15:00.000+08:00

2012, Eiffel

And we laid the pact. 2012, 2012, 2012, i will be there, in the very centre so that you won't miss me.

Men and their fidelities

2005-12-06T13:58:00.000+08:00

And so recently, out of boredom and a desire to find someone whom i can communicate with, i responded to a chat request.

And so the man is 34, incredibly workaholic (i find workaholic men rather sexy) and works in one of the banks in Singapore. Apparently intelligent, well-versed and someone who doesn't mind me being on the bigger side and so we chatted a little on the phone and online.

Then i shared with him my disdain for liars and i asked him to please tell me that he is married or attached (i have this nagging suspicion that he is married) because i would find it very bad taste to be a third party in any way and yes he said that he is not of the either.

So the day i was scheduled to meet him for dinner, he messaged me online and said that yes he is attached and he is sorry but he is very drawn to me and he doesn't find it often he gets drawn to females. His relationship is a paper one, he says. He doesn't get to see her often. His last meal with her was a month back. He doesn't feel like he is in a relationship but but but ... i made him feel alive or so he says.

And no, i didn't ask him to go find a spider in the corner of the room but talked very nicely to him, telling him that i am contemptous of being the third party and just because i have the power to draw his short attention span doesn't mean that i would want to. What do you expect of men and their fidelity level anyway?

Ah, well.

I am an actress of the stage ... signifying ... nothing

2005-12-01T15:08:00.000+08:00

And just yesterday, i was composing a draft for an entry that goes:

I will not, will not squander away Life. For all it's worth, for what it's worth ...

and i paused there for a moment, uncertain of how to continue and saved it into the draft folder for future perusal. And little did i know that just about hours later, i had to continue this in a most unpleasant way, news brought by Mandrake.

Indeed, to view back dispassionately on how i fling my years on earth with such a careless air of decadence, i am deeply ashamed. Just because i think my youth is at my mere disposal. Nothing is ever too late for me right now and i hold the world in the palms of my hands if i set myself to grasp it tightly. Apparently, one cannot be too overly confident because somehow reminders bring us crashing back down to earth, crushing our confidence and to review once again our flagging sense of self-elevated supremacy and righteousness. And usually, these "reminders" take place in the form of tragedies of some sort.

I waste my life, being petty about inconsequential details, fussing over the unnecessary, playing mind fucking games, holding my heart back and guarding it with reserve therefore never being able to proudly say i've loved, mocking my mind's constant nagging concerns about aspiring, inspiring and living. Instead, i chose to believe that one day, just one day i will get around to it.

A sham belief is what it is.

In truth, everything is factual. I am not a mistress of my own fate. I am just led to believe that i gain control when i am nothing more than a puppet with temporary, absolute control. And one day, that right will be forcefully divested from me and i will have to reliquish, with or without grace. And it is just like an act of theatrical comedy. Still, the knowledge that we do not have absolute control over our lives do not mean that we can atrophize it, relegate it into moral decrepitude. It simply means that we just have to make sure that we have to put up one hell of an act throughout, be a proud actor on the stage, win a standing ovulation and earn the applause of many. That would justify the theatrics and do ourselves a glory even after we get off the stage.

Forever.

To the beloved memory of Sondra, the one who has had my applause.

She got off the stage earlier. But in her loving memory, she made a lot of people who knew and loved her, have the courage to stay. There is always a time and place we lean back, take a deep breath and think of idle days.

When dusk drew to a close and the night began...

2005-11-30T21:19:00.000+08:00

It first started out as an unbearable ache and it threatened to break me, to a fiery anger that consumed me, back to a lonely ache where it slowly ate me and now, finally a dispassionate interest that flows in me.

The act of having and losing must be one of the world's biggest tragedy yet being humans ... we are so helpless to stop it.

Psychic at work

2005-11-30T20:52:00.000+08:00

I have a feeling that Year 2006 will be a good year but Year 2007 will be even better.

Don't ask me why but it's just a delicious feeling.

It tasted so fragrant and crumbles in the mouth...

2005-11-29T22:20:00.000+08:00

Today i ate the best eggtart i found in a bakery near to where i live.

I never knew.

A Dream For The Kings ... & Queens

2005-11-27T13:44:00.000+08:00

It's funny how last night we talked about extremities, what kind of guys we will like and we wouldn't.

"Do you like well-built or scrawny?"
"Do you like double eyelids or single?"
"Do you like hairy or hairless?"

There was no in-between, because the middle path is the acknowledged standard that most people would go for and therefore we have to choose from extremes.

* * *

And suddenly one person asked me a question "Is money important to you?" (when looking for a man) and it's weird how while i was pondering over my answer when something old, something deep in the recesses of my memory, some quote i've deemed forgotten popped straight out to find it's place - "To find riches is a beggar's dream but to find Love is the dream of kings."

Change

2005-11-26T03:59:00.000+08:00

Days of instant spontaneity and doubtless welcoming hugs
now come all under one big farce
coated with that air of hesitation.

We just have to admit we give way to Change.

Transgender

2005-11-25T12:49:00.000+08:00

I have never wanted to be anything other than a woman. To be able to exploit my feminine wiles, to adopt masculinity within my stereotyped thoughts, to empower myself with the knowledge that though my body is female, i too, could be male if i want to.

And for that, i consider myself bi-gender. Female looks and a crisscross of gender thoughts. I am not discriminative of people who want to be different and actually admire people who take the first step to change conservative opinions. Love is free - it crosses all boundaries is not wrong. I don't think it's wrong for a man to love another man and a female to love another female. And the reason why i am heterosexual is because i haven't found a woman i love. If two people are consensus and the feelings mutual, why then should they not get together? If a man feels that he is born in the wrong body and takes steps to change the fact, why shouldn't he be allowed to or why should he be opposed to? It is his body afterall - the way he wants to choose to lead his life.

And to those who celebrate their inner selves and have the courage to. It's all about being comfortable in their own skin.

Fibs & Fabers

2005-11-24T23:30:00.000+08:00

I remembered my excitement as a child, being suspended in mid-air, feeling at the top of the world and in the cable car tonight, i sang my dreams alive .. "Such a feeling's coming over me. There is wonder in most everything i see. Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes and i won't be surprised if it is a dream..." and it didn't matter one bit that i lost my pitch and i sounded like a hoarse, grizzly bear as my sore throat dictated it should be. Afterall, life should not be about hitting the right pitches and being note-perfect all the time. Because i hit off-pitch imperfection, i sounded like me. I am not a superstar, i am not the sex siren, i am not the society's stereotypical. I am otherwise a regular girl who digs her nose in the sly, picks her teeth when food gets stuck, have double-chin days, moaned and whined irritatingly when things go wrong. And on the cable car, i felt carefree.

Trust K2J2 (and my persuasive persuasion to say the least) to come out with uber fun programmes on an otherwise ordinary Thursday night. We took the cable car free-of-charge to Mount Faber which currently houses the world's tallest artificial Christmas Tree, to The Jewel Box supposedly "an upscale destination to wine, dine, shop and host events and parties" which accounts for all the gorgeously-dressed beings there and me and Ana being the 'lokkest' (dressed-down) there. We ended up eating more chocolates than my throat would permit and getting trigger worked-up. I saw Sarong Party Girl dressed in a green dress, a vision of youth and freshness and pictures do not do her justice.

So what does a tired girl do when she reaches home miserably in grime and dirt? Scrubbed her face using the St Ives' Invigorating Apricot Scrub and lather the body with Lux Green Tea Scrub. Now my face is squeaky clean and absorbing the wonderful formulae of my facial moisturizer. I am beginning to think i'm not as high-maintenance as my friends claim afterall! I have simple pleasures in life too.

10.30 Exactly

2005-11-23T13:45:00.000+08:00

It started with a buffet, filling ourselves, making ourselves feel full and comfortable ... and safe. Food has that effect on people, i concede. The safe haven is in your belly.

And we sat down, ordering nothing, pure vegetating till conversation overtook us and engaged ourselves in heated discussion.

"You can't give a timeframe for this kind of thing" he argued and i countered it with my need to quantify. "Given the amount of consideration i've given over the years, i am entitled." The need to set a timeframe was a desire on my part to give the benefit of doubt and give myself time to let go. "You just let go. You don't set a timeframe and hurt yourself waiting for the time to come. You just let go."

It was such an enlightening talk, i looked at my watch to note down the time: 10.30 pm, 22nd November 2005.

"I want to remember this moment forever" i declared.
"Nothing is forever" said he.
"This one minute is forever even if everything else changes."

And the conversation spun off to Chungking Express.

223 goes shopping.
223: Any canned pineapple that expires on May 1?
Cashier: You know what day it is today?
223: April 30?
Cashier: Right. You think we sell outdated stock?
223: There's still two hours to go.
Cashier: Nobody would buy it. Get a fresh one.
223: People like you are hung up on freshness. You realize what goes into a can of pineapple? The fruit must be grown, harvested, sliced, and you just throw it away! How do you think the can feels about that?
Cashier: Buddy, I only work here. Who cares about how the cans feel? What about how I feel? Loading, more loading, unloading... How I wish cans wouldn't expire! It'd save me loads of work. You like expired cans? Help yourself! As many as you like! On the house!

223 leaves the store.
223: Somehow everything comes with an expiry date. Swordfish expires. Meat sauce expires. Even cling-film expires. Is there anything in the world which doesn't?
223 gives a can of pineapple to a passing street person. The street person looks at the can and throws it on the ground.
Street person: It's expired. Don't want it.
223: You sure?

Everybody has an expiry date. Sometimes when we wait till things are too late, the expiry date is reached regardless of the amount of effort that goes into the manufacturing of things. Like the street person and anyone else who thinks it's not fresh anymore. Like the street person and anyone else, "It's expired. Don't want it."

I'm-Lazy-To-Write-Day

2005-11-23T00:45:00.000+08:00

I love today when i was feeling nothing-out-of-the-ordinary and the same as any other normal day would have been until RMT popped an Cornetto ice-cream with electric blue wrapping in my way. That made the day extra-special. Thanks RMT!

Me who was still reluctant to unwrap the cone

* * *

A new affliction for The Cardigans - Communication. I disconnect.

* * *

So Kucinta always made me hungry by her food postings, it's my turn! Lazy for words, just look!

The (Smiley) Man For Me

2005-11-21T23:55:00.000+08:00

Each part of my life, as long as my status quo dictates 'Single', there have always been people asking from time to time what kind of man i want in life. And when i was young, the answer was always "Tall, Handsome and Rich" and then it evolved into "Tall, no-need-so-Handsome and Rich" and then it evolved again into "Tall, Looks-Doesn't-Matter and Above-Average-No-Need-Too-Rich" and then the process keeps going and the expectations interestingly keeps lowering. And until yesterday, i thought the only man i could have is one who contains wit and humour and one who can communicate with me effectively.

And i was smiling while showering as i turned my head towards the faucet and remembered part of a conversation i had earlier. And it seems clear to me at that very instant what kind of man i really want. Maybe it's the dark of the night and the brain's gone woozy or maybe it's the cool water that refreshes my dusty brain. But now for sure i realized that the only kind of man i want is the kind who will make me smile with or without reasons. The moment i am in his company, all i could do and want to do is to laugh happily and for that reason and that alone, my heart burst out in sunshine at the very thought. The person who can make you smile is the one who understands you perfectly and know what tickles. Laughter is an effective mode of communication. There are people who can communicate effectively but yet never reaching a consensus. There are people who communicate for the sake of communicating but yet without thinking. But Laughter has to be a happy link between two people who understand what each other is laughing about. Have you at any time felt that after a good laugh, it seems like you know the person so much more? I have. There have been times whereby i just sat and laughed the entire night away without really having to talk much at all.

Because in my heart, laughter spoke so much more.

Kampung Chicken Days; And You Wore My Ring To Belong To Me

2005-11-20T17:51:00.000+08:00

And on the early part of Friday evening, it's back to the "kampung chicken" lifestyle - the annual or bi-annual experience of going back to the ancestral house in an ulu part of Malaysia.

So everyone - the cousins, the aunts, the uncles, the neighbours, the distant relatives, the siblings, the friends, the "unknowns-who-were-helping-themselves-to-the-nasi-briyani-buffet" of the groom had gathered in the house and bustled around getting ready for the "Big Day" tomorrow. Some tested the sound system, preparing to blast out chirpy wedding tunes, some pasted ang-baos into auspicious characters and some hung streamers from the ceilings, some baked and cooked and some tried to drown themselves with the alcohol. And me, i shyly (okay, i was never really shy but just then, i felt like i didn't belong) sat in a corner, preparing to smile at anybody who ended up in my way and to observe and to leaf through the wedding album. And there were words of sweet connotations that appeared right before my eyes like "I Love You", "Attraction", "Invaluable Liking" and worst of all, cheesy chinese sayings that sounded diabetic. Then and there i decided if i ever would get married and have a wedding album, i would fill it with my favourite quotes and poems and verses that actually meant something to us. Either that or i would have no words at all because Marriage could be something no words can describe and any attempt to describe it might not be able to do justice to it.

And the "Big Day" came and went, the day was too busy for me to think of anything at all but there were small, little gestures i noticed that made me smile and some that stopped me to think - my cousin holding on to the arm of his bride as they descended from the stairs, the bride tenderly stroking her growing belly, the bride holding the hand of my cousin and putting his hand on her belly so that they could both feel a new life within her and i saw the bride tenderly dabbing at her tears, so young and yet so uncertain of her future, marrying into a household she scarcely know but yet now have to live with, day in and day out.

And two days just went by in a flash. The one good thing that came out of the wedding was that i had a little more bonding with my cousins and my aunt. I taught them the art of narcissism - how to take relatively good pictures of yourself using the digital camera and not seeing the double chin.

Sympathique

2005-11-17T08:35:00.000+08:00

It was raining so hard and the thunder so loud and daunting and all i simply want to do is to hide inside the quilt and sleep forever. But my sense of responsibility overtook me and i grudgingly trudged out of bed.

I am now replaying Pink Martini's Sympathique over and over and over again.

Whether or not you have dared to be happy. Whether or not you have dared to pray

2005-11-14T08:39:00.000+08:00

Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it

the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

And the morning seemed absurdly pretty today, full of wind and sunshine. I never cared much for mornings. I would rather laze in bed, with my lilac mesh curtains drawn across the windows, hiding beneath my soft, soft quilt. And so having to wake up in a morning as early as this is like a chance meeting, like meeting an old friend on the road, a surprise and only upon the encounter would you reminisce how much you miss it. After today, I believe that being in sunshine is contagious and that the face which Sunshine throws itself at would radiate the same amount of light and brightness.

I have plenty of shining rays today.

I'm a girl in sunshine.

At The White Bridge

2005-11-13T05:05:00.000+08:00

John Digweed's sets were so slow, they almost killed me. To the point i started counting the speed of his beats on the dancefloor and watched a group of 4 Harajuku girls performing para-para on the platform. If Digweed's set had been fast, the girls would certainly have had their skinny arms all tangled up in a mess which was exactly what would have made it interesting. Perhaps the sets weren't slow, i just wanted it to go faster. To drown myself in an adrenaline rush, letting the heartbeats churn faster than my brain could process, to be able to exist in a world with nothing but music, dance and me.

..............................

At the white bridge, i stood up, threw my arms up in the air and inhaled deeply. "Life is still beautiful!" i proclaimed loudly and i swore i felt cool air rushing into my nose, sending delicious chills down every part of me as though reaffirming the fact. Finally a heavy load off my mind and my zest for life renewed, i feel invincible ... for now.

Caipirinha Exuberance

2005-11-11T02:25:00.000+08:00

I am suffering from "Caipirinha Exuberance", a state of mind where senses are dulled by an excellent dose of lychee caipirinha from Post Bar. (Learn how to conjure homemade caipirinha!)

Try it at Post Bar if you can. They give you cubes of brown sugar, one-and-a-half lime, some hardened honey on a stick and a mini-pounder so you can pound away for your preferred taste!

Erm, Skirtish Post

2005-11-10T01:05:00.000+08:00

By popular (and weird) demand to see my beautiful skirt, here are some pictures to satisfy that fetish. Anything for friends man!

A full monty of my skirt. It's statistics are 15-36-48.

The intricacy of woven threads.

The pleats.

I cannot on the earth think why you would have such immense interest in a skirt just because a guy crossed the road to compliment it especially when the guy is not cute. Next time, you can recognise me by my skirt. If you see the skirt walking around Suntec area, follow it, run after it and then tug at it (not too hard please in case it drops off!) and (if the girl is really me) i would then know you read my blog. Haha, you guys are way weird and you crack me up and i love it! Wee. Too much Hersheys from Niagara Falls i devour, obviously.

Agony Too, Can Be An Analgesic

2005-11-09T16:56:00.000+08:00

To those who despair and think that their lives had been one big misery,

"The worst year of my life, I used to moan, but as time passed I grew to know it, for all its struggle, as a great year. This whole plot—the beginning, the middle, and the end—had been lived before by others, but I had had to live through it myself to understand it, to know that agony can be an analgesic, that the memory of pain can itself be a painkiller. That year made the rest of my life easier." - Paul Theroux

Back to Damien's Embrace

2005-11-09T10:25:00.000+08:00

This week, in a bid to forget, i have loaded myself full of activities every single day. Monday to Sunday.

And i'm back to listening to Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter.

And so it is.

Beautiful Skirt Chaser

2005-11-09T00:20:00.000+08:00

People are funny sometimes.

Today as i was gathering my skirt (literally) to quicken my pace to the nearest bus-stop to wait for a bus that would bring me to Ice Cold Beer to meet Mandrake, an indian man crossed a small road to where i was and called after me.

"Miss, Miss!"

I spurned around with a quizzical expression on my face and he just nodded politely at me and said "Miss, your skirt is very beautiful, Miss."

I smiled at him, turned to run and then his words registered at the back of my brain.

Some guy just crossed a road to tell me i am wearing a beautiful skirt.

And it was the skirt from Bangkok that cost me 900 baht because i could not part with it and which left my heart silently aching at the atrocity of the amount.

Guess it was worth it afterall. I chuckled. He actually crossed the road.

Books-Spree (Hidey Hole)

2005-11-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

Reading, to me, is therapeutic to a disturbed mind. And i would choose disturbing books to chew upon, to reflect on the value of life. Just guess whose books i bought.

Anaïs Nin:

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection.

Paul Theroux:

Death is an endless night so awful to contemplate that it can make us love life and value it with such passion that it may be the ultimate cause of all joy and all art.

Paulo Coelho:

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

Gabriel García Márquez:

To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.

Henry David Thoreau:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

No prizes how many books i bought in total because the urge to read is great. I had an inane compulsion for sexual organs and i selected Anaïs Nin. I bought Paul Theroux because he is simply Paul Theroux. Paulo Coelho because i have always read him in the depths of desperation but i might just have to give him up after i'm done because too many people (including myself) are quoting from him and it becomes too much a fad. Gabriel García Márquez because he has interesting short stories and the last was the most surprising because even though i constantly live by Henry D. Thoreau's optimistic quotes, he would still have been deemed a heavy read for me. Somehow the peace of Walden Pond and his taste for simple living attracted my complex state of mind and i bought it hoping to be able to find the same tranquility.

When you lose one, you will gain one.
Because i've lost something recently, something intangible, i gained it back when the person in question left me a note and after a prolonged period of time, we're finally able to treat each other with civility. Interesting fact of life and of course i musn't be greedy and wish that i hadn't lost anything in the first place. Life is too much of a teaser to let you have it all the time.

Titleless Sunday Night

2005-11-07T01:56:00.000+08:00

I like the weather on Sundays. It's usually peaceful and sunny and i just love to bask in the evening sun. But i like to stay at home too - to catch up on reading, to surf, to watch the piling mount of VCDs and snuggle into my quilt.

When he fell asleep, i thought i'll stay in instead to do the above but he woke up in the nick of time and we went to Holland Village as he has never been there. We had a eat-more-chili competition at Crystal Jade La Mian and he mocked my disdain for onions, spring onions, vinegar and ginger. It had been a long time since i've been there, even before i went to Canada which made it about 4 months back. We ate so fast and so furious that by the time we staggered out of the restaurant, we couldn't really do anything else, threatened by two exploding tummies.

I suggested going for a walk at Chip Bee Gardens. The voyeuristic part of me has always liked looking into people's houses, trying to see their mundane activities and observing the personality of the houses through the owners' creative energy. And those at Chip Bee are like a dream for me and so we walked in silent companionship with me peering into every house and he suddenly wuffing like a dog, startling me before laughing at me. After a long walk, we decided we were up for a drink and went to my favourite hangout, Wala-Wala.

In all honesty, i hadn't drank much in ages. So i ordered a pint each for us and was actually appalled when i forgot that it was one-for-one. Great, so now we have two pints each and i fully intended to drink only one or maybe one and a half before slyly emptying some contents into his glass. We started chit-chatting and as the night grew longer, more songs rang in our head and more thirst was quenched, he started giggling uncontrollably like a little boy and i smiled non-stop as i am a "happy drinker". He insulted me relentlessly and i rebutted and the night went on and on in nonsensical talks and funny expressions so that i was able to take my mind off things for a while and lost myself in his infectious laughter.

Thank you Geebling.

Still sometimes i wish i have the memory of Dory or a goldfish. Life would be so much happier.

Wedding Plans

2005-11-06T13:41:00.000+08:00

And the phone rang on one early afternoon and it was from my aunt who is living in Malaysia. After she babbled to my mother about something and my mother muttering profuse "Gong-Xis", i figured one of my cousins is getting married.

"Xiao Fu is getting married!" she announced gleefully. "Not Yan or Ting or Xiang Di but Xiao Fu!"

Xiao Fu is my youngest cousin, probably three years younger than me. Dubiously, i cast her a look, chewing on something i wonder if i should say until my mother echoed my thought. "The girl sure pregnant one lah! So young only!" and my mother looked psychotically happy. (You guys know where my genes hail from)

So he is getting married in 2 weeks' time in a little village in Malaysia and i'll probably go back with my parents to take a look. I am beginning to think that i will be attending somewhat a retro wedding than one of those swanky ones at some five star hotel. And that made me feel vaguely and dubiously excited.

More photos available to flickr

Living In Denial

2005-11-05T03:03:00.000+08:00

There are so many pictures we took of Siam that i want to share with those i said i would. However displaying the then-bright and brilliant smiles on our faces now poignant at this very moment would be but a hypocrisy.

Ironically, ironically, i'm seeking a little faith from looking at them. There is nothing i hate more than tearing at work, trying to prevent people from seeing them and still put on brave, nonchalent smiles.

Mark my words. Soon the photo album will change. What used to be us in yours would be swiftly replaced, with perhaps one photo left as a tribute, as a memory and yet my photo album is still stagnated with fragments of a unforgotten past.

I'm so very very hurt. You know, you think i didn't stand by your side when you need me. But really, everybody has a choice and a priority. You have yours and i have mine. And i wasn't there ... because you didn't choose me.

Pretense

2005-11-03T13:13:00.000+08:00

When we tried to pretend everything is fine and dandy, we still have to face with the consequence of our play-acting.

That's one very big, important truth i discover.

I have a fucking gazillion things i want to say but am not coherent enough. Life is sometimes just one big lie. We all pretend to be somebody whom we are not. I pretend to be nice and diplomatic but i am a mean bitch at heart. (Right on there.) She pretends to be caring and kind but it's all manipulative in nature. We are just not who we are.

If you don't know me or so you said, that's perhaps because we have pretended all along to know each other in great detail.

Bang, Bang, Bang! Kok

2005-10-29T01:55:00.000+08:00

29. Saturday

October; At long last

We're off, we're off, we're off! to the golden Bangkok of temples and flea markets. I've no doubt we'll have fun. We always do. Life is too short to be moping and love for life is too strong to be in perpetual angst. And so, till i return on Deepavali, all be good.

In the throes of boredom today, i made a girl King-Kong who seems happy stamping buildings.

And when the day is bright and i want rain to visit ..

I'll update there if i can. It'll be interesting but don't bang on it. Hazel, Shu-Nu, Lynne and Moron, wait for my pictures! Pod, take your dinner. The rest - stay out of trouble!

Lavendrye

2005-10-27T13:05:00.000+08:00

27. Thursday

October; Neutral

What goes into an online publication? I have always wanted wanted wanted to be in the Magazine industry, scouting fashion, writing articles, twirling pens around, doing the design aspect (even though the most comprehensive drawing i could muster is the matchstick man) and everything else. I imagine i would be pulling out my hair rushing for deadlines but yet be totally happy and totally engrossed in a passion as such. Well, when i know that this would probably not materialize for now due to the lack of required qualification and because i am too absorbed into the Information Technology world. But i have not dimmed my passion, not yet.

And as i was staring that day out into the sky with its white clouds (the advantage of situated in a high-rise building) and watching clouds take form, i was suddenly wondering what i would want to do with my life if i have unlimited time and no commitment. I would go Europe, i decided. Work as a waitress in a quaint cafe, making fragrant coffee, baking bread and serving early bird customers and earn enough just for keep, to pay rent and to do occasional travelling. To stand in an old bookstore and browse, to lug my haversack (okay, i know you can't reconcile the image of me with a haversack) and dig in fleamarkets perhaps even have a fling or two with the long-lashed italian male gelatos (i call them gelato because they are as yummy as one and i want to lick them upside down, vulgar it sounds). If if if.

Yes, i want to take photographs. I want to go to Peru, Tibet, Nepal, Africa, Prague and indulge in "trigger-happyism". I want to do volunteer work really, to sing and make children happy, to read them storybooks, to paint dilapidated houses and make it into a bright schoolroom for them.

I am perhaps on my way to one thing then the other. I've started an online publication somewhere. Free internet edition on female issues (i am a female, hear me roar? *roar*) and general advice. I've always rather fancied myself as a pretty good Aunt Agony. I'm too shy to post up the link to it right now but once i get it kickstarted and going perfectly (there is a lack of content right now, give me ideas you people), i'll let you know and we women could rule the world after that.

As for volunteering, i just might. Still mulling over the organization and the commitment level i can put in.

Monsters in the Luggages

2005-10-25T09:31:00.000+08:00

25. Tuesday

October; Grey Skies

If a movie is not scary, let it be gory and that is my theory. If i paid a good few dollars for the movie, if i can't scare myself into a slumberless night, at least, give me blood! Give me gore! Give me something! And so i got hulled off to watch "The Wig" after extreme persuasion by my colleague. And armed with the 'good' reviews given by kinkynomad who said he could not finish his currypuff in the theatre because it was gory, two brave women ventured to watch the movie and ended up covering their eyes with their sweaters.

It is true the media has a profound impact on lives. I would not denign to be curious and open any big boxes, plastic bags of any kind after the incident. And on my way back home, i saw a lonely locked suitcase at the void deck and i shuddered, afraid of what i would find.

Rain, Ice-Cream & Kinky Sea-Monkeys

2005-10-20T11:50:00.000+08:00

20. Thursday

October; Rainy

The rainy season is here again and i love rain, especially when sitting on the 21st storey of Centanniel Tower overlooking Kallang River and the city, a pathetic attempt at having some form of scenery. But hey, in Singapore, this is as good as it gets. So i watched the rain pour down and soaking people, a smile lingering on my face, snug and warm in my little corner office space, so near to the rain but yet not get soaked.

I found a Ben & Jerry's outlet at Suntec, right outside Carrefour. Yay, i could go there for a quick fix anytime now. I still prefer the one at the Zoo though. It's closer to the animals.

I found my sea-monkeys kinkier than i am. They shamelessly performed a ménage à trois right in front of me.

Of Rain, Ice-Cream and Kinky Sea-Monkeys, god, i'm bored.

Pre-Halloween Fun

2005-10-17T01:38:00.000+08:00

17. Monday

October; Rainy

I've never had the chance at Trick or Treat since Singapore doesn't practise it neither have i ever dressed up for Zouk's annual Halloween party because it was deemed too much a waste of time and effort. So imagine our excitement when our reservation for BedSupperClub Halloween Night was confirmed! First Halloween spent abroad and we meant to take a little more care to dress up for sure.

(Click on images to enlarge; have fun!)

And if you want "Value-for-Money" movie shows, April Snow is it (what makes a good korean movie?). This movie typically makes you feel that 2 hours passes like 5 and of course there are rather (yummylicious) explicit tangling naked bodies of Bae Yong-Joon and Son Ye-Jin and air-con running at full blast at Golden Village Tampines that totally makes you feel like a snow storm is coming, totally soaking you into the mood. Even if the movie is not enough to make you cry, the low temperature in the theatre would. And and and, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is coming! That is something to look forward to after the end of the Bangkok trip for sure.

Dusty Dusty

2005-10-13T22:59:00.000+08:00

13. Thursday

October; Grey Clouds

I have a different concept of the word 'friends' now, no longer like in my youth when i call everyone whom i've met 'friends'. The term is now reserved for people who have explicit trust in you, will not stoop to think the worst of you without any clarification and never talk bad behind you but rather, directly in front of you.

When we accidentally met that night under Fate's hands, i never did cast a contemptous thought towards your boyfriend, neither did i look down on him at all. I am not superior to him, i do not have a reason to. Quite ironically, i was happy for you, you found a person who loves you. I was embarrassed to be caught hanging out with UP since there is purportedly discord between you and him. Your presence was disturbing because i felt stuck in-between. I gave nervous giggles and silly laughs, twittering on like a bird because i was desperate, hoping the situation would not erupt to something more. What followed was of course upsetting, by that outburst you thought i wouldn't be able to read.

Who the fuck do i think i am? I remembered you saying.
I have a very lowly opinion of myself really, you'll be surprised. And yes, conceding the fact that you have a boyfriend and i do not but fact must be said that not everybody is eager to get one, you know. I remembered sending an ICQ message to clarify (when ICQ was still wildy popular that time) but there was no response which i was not surprised. "That evil deed i committed", i did not do at all. You just never bothered trying to understand. Did you ever ask me anything at all? The answer is an obvious 'No'.

Years down and now thinking of it, i think perhaps i am still a little bitter because when i thought we were friends then, i defended you but you condemned me without a trial. The wind brought me news which told me you were miffed at me because you thought i looked down on your boyfriend. In all honesty and cursed swears, i truly never did. But it is okay. If you think about it, i never did miss you like you never did miss me. Perhaps we are on different sides of the same continent. All of us managed to live happily without each other and there is no reason why we should not continue how this was meant to be.

In life, we have to admit there are people who like us but there will be others who disagree with us. Sometimes it's not a matter of give-and-take anymore. True friends, you do not seek to read their lives only from blogs in Singapore island. This place is so small, you don't have to. True friends, you do not overwrought yourself with calculating who gives more and who contributes less so long as you, yourself is willing to continue giving. You never know, one day you might just be the one to leech back.

Sea Monkeys

2005-10-12T17:39:00.000+08:00

12. Wednesday

October; A Splash of Rain

Sex; Intercourse ... I am now watching the sea-monkeys at it non-stop for close to 16 hours. Never did they once separate. They even found themselves a crevice and continued. Other equally horny sea-monkeys wanted a piece of action but the fiercer sea-monkey kicked them away with its many legs. I could even see the female in spasms! Seeing them in action sends a tinge of envy running through me.

Must be a very energy-draining process.

No wonders there are no overweight sea-monkeys around.

Croak!

2005-10-11T23:10:00.000+08:00

11. Tuesday

October; Hot

I am always mesmerized by a good voice singing in the quiet background, captivating everyone. I too want to croon forever and ever, pouring my heart out sometimes. I opened my mouth and a "croak" came.

But in life, we can always dream.

Thanksgiving Dinner

2005-10-10T12:40:00.000+08:00

10. Monday

October; Sunshine and Clouds

Thanksgiving (definition here), an expression of gratitude: The Canadians are working hard in our office, far from their home and their family and friends so all i could offer them is to bring them out for dinner and have a mini-gathering instead of leaving them in their respective houses, moping.

I suggest Newton for its wide variety of food even though it's not exactly the cheapest place in the world. "What about the turkey?!" Dee screamed. "Maybe even ham if there is no turkey!". Well, we reasoned we could go Cold Storage and have a carve of ham. I never had a Thanksgiving dinner before, even though today's dinner would be heavily improvised with local flavours. It's the company that counts.

We're Going To The Zoo!

2005-10-09T01:45:00.000+08:00

09. Sunday

October; A Whiff of Rain; Humid

Spacing out right now. Initially the plan was to bring a Canadian colleague to Little India and the secretive him apparently decided to conceal the information that he lived in Bombay for 4 years and therefore Little India was obviously like nothing to him. At least i got to satisfy my curry craving at Banana Leaf. And so we were supposed to attend this housewarming party held by Dee which got cancelled last minute due to his work and so we scraped the idea of going to Ikea to get him anything at all just yet.

We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo. How about you, you, you? and so we hopped into a cab and went to the zoo. I love going to the zoo, somehow it makes me a little close to nature with all the animals around me.

And yes, let me shout out with my sausage lips - Happy Birthday, my dear flea! May everything go smooth for you.

Another Trip - Siam

2005-10-07T17:51:00.000+08:00

07. Friday

October; All Cloudy

Jetsetting is addictive, not long after my return from Canada, i found myself envying (with very green eyes) whenever some of my other colleagues get posted back even for a few weeks. It's lucky that the lady who got posted back is a really nice lady or i'll be inclined to hate her. And the Kinky Family finally pulled themselves together for a well-deserved, long overdue trip to Siam. I still persist in calling Thailand - Siam because i live in the times of King Mongkut and Anna Leonowens. I remembered "Getting To Know You" as my favourite childhood song and i would always hum to myself. You are precisely, my cup of tea. We have some plans to enjoy ourselves without inhibition (even if it means tolerating people making out beside me). We made reservations at Bed Supper Club on Halloween Day itself!

If we have extra dosh, we might just visit Sirocco at The Dome, one of Bangkok's tallest skyscrapers too.

We have arrowed a few places: Chatuchak, Siam Square, Maoonkong and i will sit on a tuk-tuk, visit a few temples and chill out.

Sawadee! Man, i can't wait, then i could cross out Siam as one of the places in my 43places. It could be better if we would be able to visit Mola Ekkamai, the pet squirrel crazychildrennn has.

TGIF at Wine-Company

2005-10-07T13:55:00.000+08:00

07. Friday

October; Morning Rain, Afternoon Cloud

I love Fridays since Fridays essentially mark a week's end and on Fridays, there will be no impending doom of the Monday ahead. We think we still have plenty of time ahead before Saturday and Sunday come visit. I feel like sitting somewhere and have a good drink tonight. Our first consideration is The Wine Company at Dempsey Road.

Since she will not be able to make it, i could only hope the other will not pull out as well. But still it's Friday, i am dressed indian complete with a bright red saga seed necklace, a white punjabi top with details and a bindi on my forehead! Nothing could spoil the mood and TGIF! Thank God It's Friday.

Updated: Well, it's definitely not going to happen now.

Self-Destruction

2005-10-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

06. Thursday

October; Rays of Sunshine

Girls can be very, very self-destructive and this is the evidence. Shred, shred, shred. Feeling so much more light-hearted without the cumbersome weight of fortuitous fame. Disabling comments do not mean i do not want you to speak but because i need silence.

Snip Snap!

2005-10-02T21:14:00.000+08:00

The unbearable lightness. The hair, i watched it with a mild sense of sadistic pleasure, dropped to the floor till the mirror reflected a new me. Shoulder-length cropped hair with an asymmetrical fringe, i look almost young if not for the fact that i constantly reminded myself that i am never going to be as young as last year or the year before last.

I look like a student again, i muse. Even Miss Shu-Nu said i had never had this kind of hairstyle before and it reminded her of our schooldays. Suddenly i laugh, throwing my head back, setting the now flat and glossy mane twirling round and round till the effervescence in me subsided. I observed with a certain ruthlessness, the separating strands detaching themselves away from me. Inwardly i feel that i am giving myself a new lease of life, trimming away what used to be and accepting a phrase which i call "moving on". I will forget, afterall i am a new person now. Ain't i? Or not.

The unbearable lightness of being me.

It was a funny thing how the change in hairstyle could invert one's preset decision. I told myself before that i could never go out on dates with younger males. And yet suddenly i found myself irrationally agreeing to a luncheon date with a 19 year-old male and even more amazed when i found myself seated at a food centre chit chatting with him. Unfortunately the topics for conversation were quickly exhausted and the day was humid and set an uncomfortable ambience. And i could find him seating himself closer as we plonked ourselves on a bench sheltered by shade and his fingers lightly brushing across my palm. I shuddered and I felt like Mary Kay Letourneau! I moved away in a deceptively casual gesture, made some small talk and left soon after. Without him. Even under the lull of a new hairstyle, i still could never date much younger men, it just doesn't feel right at all.

We, should never let hair rule our lives.

Normal is the New Beautiful?

2005-09-27T10:43:00.000+08:00

I am seldom intrigued by advertisements. In fact, the advertisement world is like the red carpet to me, one whereby they invite celebrities or beautiful beings to endorse their products. I have lived too long in a world whereby looks matter the most to all. Being beautiful essentially meant you can get away with most things like opening your own door, queuing up to get into a club and live a charmed life, one full of glitterati.

In the story books i read, not one of the heroines look vaguely normal. They were always the fairest of their lands, warriors and princes would come far and wide to earn her hand in marriage. She would have the longest, sootiest lashes, fluttering wide-eyed at the hero and the hero would melt into a pulp. She would have raven black hair with luscious curls to her waist. Her waist would be so tiny that the hero can span his hands round it a few times. And her breasts would be high, firm and full. And she would be nothing less. Or nothing more.

I was standing and waiting for a Bus 36 which would bring me into Shoppers' Paradise. Buses streamed past me with advertisements screaming at me. And two buses with the below advertisement stopped in front of me.

“Wrinkled? Wonderful?” features Irene Sinclair, 95, of London, England with a wrinkled face and asks: “Will society ever accept old can be beautiful?”

“Gray? Gorgeous?” features Merlin Glozer, 45, of London, England with a natural mane of gray hair and asks: “Why aren't women glad to be gray?”

And suddenly i smiled. I smiled thinking of the second advertisment because i was so afraid to be old and yet the woman on the advertisement, she was smiling with a twinkle in her eye and she had a very affable look about her. She looks ... gorgeous. She looks like how i would want to look like in the future. All my life, i was convinced that my best asset is youth and everything would disppear in a spiral of thin smoke the moment i get old. I would have no looks (not that there is much to begin with but still..) and i would probably have not much energy left to do what i want to do.

“Oversized? Outstanding?” features Tabatha Roman, 34, of New York, NY a plus-size woman and asks: “Does true beauty only squeeze into a size 6?”

“Half empty? Half full?” features Esther Poyer, 35, of London, England with small breasts and asks: “Does sexiness depend on how full your cups are?”

“Flawed? Flawless?” features Leah Sheehan, 22, of London, England with freckles and asks: “Does beauty mean looking like everyone else?”

Suddenly i felt exhilarated. This world is full of women like me. I could always be oversized and gorgeous. I could grow old with grace. I could have flawed skin and still look perfect in the mirror. I could have large, swagging breasts like a cow and no one should complain. I want to Campaign For Real Beauty! As i took part in the voting and compared the results of the votes, i suddenly saw what society is still intolerant of.

Society is intolerant of oversized women and flat-chested women.

Back to Square One.

Gallery: Beauty in the eyes of the Beholder

Unphotographable Life

2005-09-23T17:40:00.000+08:00

I've been relying on my trusty camera so much on taking everything i want to see, even though some of them are not very well-taken.

Perhaps a desperate part of me wants to cling to the things i hold dear, like that lamp post in the street, the one with metal intricate designs that gives off a dim orange glow in the evening sun, like that adorable child clinging to her mother's skirt as they trudged past a crowded market place, like that van with bright colours, a big word "Ice Cream" splashed over it, garnering the wistful looks of the children it drove by.

Menonites on a horse buggy. How pretty children can be.

I want to be able to go back to the pictures someday,look at it and remember how i once felt about it.

But i concede that there are just so many things in life to capture but we could not. It is a matter of timing and a matter of coincidence. Supposedly i happened to draw out my camera and supposedly i happened to be able to see a sight which i think is photographable and supposedly my camera ran out of battery, the moment is lost and gone. I would mourn for the loss of such a moment but we forget about it ultimately and we turn out attention to other things, determined not to lose another moment but we usually do.

Thank you dw (original link via syntaxfree) for bringing out "Unphotographable", project by Michael David Murphy.

...........
Playing: "The Waltz" by Silje Nergaard. (lyrics)

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2005-09-21T14:58:00.000+08:00

What do you want to be when you grow up?

.
.
.
.

When i was much younger, like you know, much younger and that's when the sky will always be blue and never grey, when i bother to look out for rainbows in the sky and when the flowers are always bright and blooming (and when i blatantly ignore the withered remnants on the gravel ground). The world was full of hope and i could see a bright future looming before me, the feeling of reaching the end of the tunnel, finding light and that was when i wanted to be a teacher too.

In all retrospect, the 'noble' occupations considered by the young then were few. Everyone either wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer or a teacher. A few adventurous ones would want to be a fireman or a policeman but when their ambitions would soon be discovered by the disapproving parents, they would be pulled by the ears and that would end their brave resolve forever and they would relegate into normalcy by declaring they want to be a doctor. A few others would want to be a pilot, soaring in the sky but the addition of a pair of glasses to their noses soon after made that dream into an untimely demise and they would want to be a lawyer.

And so me, given the gift of not-much-gab and the mistress of monotonity, i decided to be a teacher. Afterall, who could be more monotonous than a teacher, droning on about each chapter, each page every year? Who could be more influential than the teacher standing right in front of a class of 40, scaring them into submission. Being able to show the dominatrix side of me tickles my morbid imagination. Visions of students pulling their ears after given warning for chatting incessantly in class, endless homework to befuddle their mind just like how my teacher used to give me and of course, giving surprise tests to the poor, unsuspecting innocents and the therapy of drawing a huge, red '0' on the top page accompanied by a mean 'Need to work harder' makes me declare "A teacher i shall be."

My mother approved wholely. "Teacher is good" she says in mandarin. "Teacher is metal ricebowl, unbreakable." And so with the parents now standing behind my decision, i observed the wooden rulers come out of the drawers and heard the "twhacks" they made on the table resounding in my ears. I heard the screeching sound of chalk defacing the blackboard and analyzed the way the angry, giant red checks and crosses scrawled on my jotter book with gusto, secretly relishing the one day i might be able to do the same. And i was excited when i was asked to write an essay on "What do i want to be when i grow up".

Clearly, even as a seven or eight year old, i was astute enough not to write down the true reasons for my wanting to be a teacher.

"I want to be a teacher because i love children."
"I want to be a teacher because i want to teach children to be good and useful people."
"I want to be a teacher because i want to be admired by my students..."

And the last sentence left me a lingering sense of uneasiness, for the first time wavering in my ambition to be a teacher.

Somehow the giant, red crosses heartlessly circling and focusing on every failed effort made by the clueless children, the ruthlessness of the wooden ruler, the way my naughty, fellow classmates marched up to the teacher with palms open, waiting for a slap sprung to my mind, i could not shake the images free and i could not find joy in it. And as days passed, it got more and more clear, i could not be a teacher. My ambition was shattered. I am not like "other normal children" anymore having lost the determination to be a teacher unless i opt to be a doctor or a lawyer.

From then on, i lived without wanting to be anybody because i simply could not face raising up hopes to be something and then realized that i could not be. So eventually, i became myself. Being myself was easier. Being myself meant that i could live without catering to parental expectations. Being myself meant that i could set the pace for things. Being myself meant that i could do anything in my power (even unorthodoxly lowering some preset expectations in the end) to make myself happy.

I am glad i am not a teacher now. I know i could never be.

Who do i want to be when i grow up?

I want to be myself and i am myself.

I'm that girl

2005-09-20T11:55:00.000+08:00

From MercerMachine, something that made me think.

Part I
I'm that girl who you gave a huge bouquet of handmade origami flowers to on Valentine's Day, making every expensive rose out there pale in comparison.
I'm that girl you proposed to, hope against hope i would say "I do" but i said no.
I'm that girl you carved my name on wood for and presented to with your love.
I'm that girl who was fortunate to have you and ... you, unfortunate to have me.

Part II
I'm that girl you tower over, shadowing me with your height.
I'm that girl you said was so pretty, you can't see how you could not love me.

Part III
I'm that girl you sang the love songs to, crooning your way through my futile defenses.
I'm that girl who ignored you and yet you were relentless and afterwards you told me i hurt you so.
I'm that girl whom you spent two years away from, in a distant land and when you came back, things were not the same.

Part IV
I'm that girl whom you watched Dragonboat Regata with and at night, we sat on the red-bricked pathway, watching the buskers do their tricks.
I'm that girl who jokingly asked if you would marry me if i am not married by 32 and you said you would.
I'm that girl who has always wanted to visit Vienna because there is you in it.
I'm that girl you wore your best checkered vest and trousers for, just because i ask you to dress nicely.

Part V
I'm that girl who never ask anything of you but you took a big part of me with you.
I'm that girl you disappeared away from without a word and from then on, i hate all edmunds in the world.

Part VI
I'm that girl who flew in the aeroplane, up the sky to wherever you are.
I'm that girl who fell in love with you - shyness, dimple, green eyes and all.
I'm that girl who bought you a pink bear so that it may match the blue one you already have and they could be together even though we can't.
I'm that girl who silently sent you the James Blunt song because like a stranger, you were far away from me and like the lyrics, i will never be with you.
I'm that girl whose heart aches so badly whenever you walk past yet the eyes refuse to get stung by tears as mine met yours and we look away.
I'm the girl who stared at you out of the corner of my eye and realizes you never once look my way.
I'm the girl who cries silently at night but in the morning, i masquerade as Sunshine.
I'm that girl who wants you. You're that guy who stood away.

Unknown Part
I'm that girl who watches the white clouds glide amongst a backdrop of the bluest blue, finding meaning in the direction they move.
I'm that girl who sits for hours at the beach on a cold hard bench, watching into the farthest horizon, hoping to see the unknown.
I'm that girl who loves to dream, reaching fruitlessly for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I'm that girl who tries to catch falling leaves, believing a children's tale from a long time ago that each falling leaf caught in autumn will mean one happier day for me.
I'm that girl who pretends to be an eskimo, lowering the room temperature and seek solace in my quilt-made igloo, learning to be cold alone.
I'm that girl who writes furiously when my mind drifts to you.

And also,

I'm that girl who once loved you.
I'm that girl who erased you.

The Fight of 'Then' and 'Now'

2005-09-17T14:48:00.000+08:00

I was reading Cosmopolitan, bubbling in mirth about the 'Then' and the 'Now'.

The 'Then' females and the 'Now' females.

The 'Then' females were concerned with the F for family and also with the concept of L for Love. Given bread or love in that time, they would have probably cast the bread out with a toss of their platinium blonde locks and pledge their everlasting love to their heros, declaring with gusto (amazing gusto and energy for a person who did not care to eat) till death do they part. They were the women who paced at home, pulling and stretching their aprons with their hands, waiting for their loved ones to open the door before flinging their bodies against the males (it is not difficult for the men to catch nor carry such thin specimens) and sealed everything unspoken with a kiss, eyes brimming with tears.

Ta-dah! Do a snap of the fingers and fast forward thirty years later .....

The 'Now' females are independent , assertive, fiesty and believe in gender equality. Perhaps it may not be an accurate representation and i hereby could claim no right to say it's true for all. I could only observe the general mass and make a generalized deduction. The 'Now' females earn their own dough , stuff a broom in their husbands' hands and ask that they share household chores. They dress their babies in fancy schmalzy and the little ones become accessories on the arms, for signifying a complete life and that their life is in control. They are also wary about Love and its implications and become more streetwise than the 'Then' females who built sandcastles in the air. Terms like "separation" and "divorce" are also common on the list due to irreconcilable differences.

Now the mirth mentioned above came from some love advice from women then and now:

The 'Then' Women said:

"When your man comes home from work, "he's always greeted with a warm smile and never problems...She arranges his pillows, takes off his shoes and
encourages him to relax." - Quote from 1965

"Imagine a knight traveling through a country. He hears a princess in distress and rushes to slay the dragon. The princess calls out 'I think this noose will work better!' and throws him a rope. The knight obliges and kills the dragon. Everyone is happy except the knight who doesn't feel like a hero...Moral of the story: Occasional assistance may be all right, but too much lessens a male's confidence."

The 'Now' Women retort:

"You should never be with someone because they make you happy. You should make yourself happy. He should make you happier but not be your only source of contentment." - Quote from 2005

"Bitch you guy out when he pisses you off. Showing him you have enough self-respect to stand up to him is a turn-on." - Quote from 2005

Love Advice from the currently very single and available Miss Hungry Bunny:

"Having a man whom i love and who loves me in my life would complete me. But having no suitable men who would stay would not cripple me."

And you can of course easily see that i belong to the 'Now' division. I had males who said to me before "If you want gender equality, you should learn how to open your damn freaking doors!" in which i coolly retorted "I have always opened my own 'damn freaking' doors, since when have i dreamt of thinking you will show some chivalry by caring to open mine?"

And as if luck would have it, while i am contemplating my fun 'Now' Status, The Mother came into my room at this moment, disrupting the atmosphere.

Mother: Who did you go out with?
Bunny: (frowned, sensing impending doom) With Miss Shu Nu and Elder Tan (her boyfriend).
Mother: Wah! Be lightbulb again huh? So bright, so bright.
Bunny: (sighs in exasperation) Why cannot go out with couples? If i don't go out with this couple, i will probably join the kinky couple right? Doesn't mean you stop being friends after you get attached what!
Mother: See lah! Everyday lightbulb, people don't want you to tag along can?

The shattering of my heart could be audible for miles.

They don't?

Bunny: (gathers mock courage) They do okay! We are all "hao peng you" (good friends).
Mother: You wait, you just wait, next time people get married, got kids still "hao peng you" you? Tan gu gu lah!
Bunny: Even if you find someone good to you now, it does not mean he will be good forever right? You can marry him and then he can become not-so-nice. Divorce is a messy business. Might as well i free and easy now, want to do what go do what.
Mother: Aiyoh! Cannot be scared then don't find someone right? If really you so suay, it's tian yi (fate)!
Bunny: Then i shouldn't tempt fate right?
Mother: Why can't you get your own boyfriend? Your expectations too high is it? I tell you (wa ka le kong?) no need to find someone too rich he sure cheat on you one and seriously lah, they got money, they sure find supermodel, where got find your kind one? (stares at me up and down). Honest can already, not too old can already, not too short can already, not hum sup okay already, not malay, not indian or not ang-moh can already, not malaysian can already, also no need too good-looking, you also like *sai like that (ooouccchhh!), how to be picky you tell me? Just find someone nice to you can already.
Bunny: Wah! You say until like i no standard like that, you think i *lup sup tang issit? *Simi lai tio sup!
Mother: Cannot like that say!! Next time you old you will be very lonely. You *ho mia you can be marder like Miss Exotic Specie liao!
Bunny: *Tio si wa pai mia lah!

Two females in a room, the 'Then' and the 'Now'.

*sai: shit
*lup sup tang: rubbbish bin; garbage collector
*simi lai tio sup: want everything that comes rolling my way
*ho mia: good life; fortunate
*tio si wa pai mia: that means i very unfortunate

Lollipop Moment

2005-09-15T01:44:00.000+08:00

Lonely lollies stuck in jar, waiting for their day.
Restless and hungry me came along,
struck by the roundness of it all,
snitched a purple and yellow one
and hope that the colours will bring me sunshine.

(Lollies could be snitched at the Concierge of Pan Pacific Hotel)

Three Random Facts About Me

2005-09-13T14:56:00.000+08:00

From Mr Moron, three random facts about me go as follow:

1. When i find a form of food i like and is within reach, i would keep ordering it non-stop till i find a new form of diversion. Like that fishball noodles at Millenia Walk Foodcourt, this is my precise order:

"Kway Teow Yu Yuan Mian Ta, Bu Yao Cong, Da Bao!"
(Kway Teow Fishball Noodles, No Spring Onions, Take-away)

I ordered it for one whole week for lunch everyday till i found the store next to it equally apetitizing and ordered a full week from the store next to it:

"Ee Mee Da Bao, Bu Yao Cong!"
(Ee Mee, Take-away, No Spring Onions)

and recently my third diversion just appeared in the form of ... Select's form of Ampang Yong Tau Foo. I forsee i should eat it for another week and do a rotation of Fishball Noodles, Ee mee and Yong Tau Foo again if i do not find anything nice. That way, i have variation.

2. Each relationship (or pseudo-relationship) was marked with some form of item or memory linked to the person involved. Here is what i think of the below people when i think about them:

a. Ex-Boyfriend 1 left me with a whole family of Totoros, a large bouquet of origami lilies and a bottle of stars folded from McDonald's straws.
b. Ex-Boyfriend 2 left me with lingering memories of him acting as a cat (it's weird i know but he did look awfully like a long-limbed cat being 1.93 metres in height).
c. Ex-Boyfriend 3 left me with memories of him singing Frankie Valli's "Can't Take My Eyes off You" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" and a preference for sunflowers.
d. Tall Canadian Male Fella left me thinking of him everytime i hear James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" and a partiality for giraffes.

3. I am a rather arty-farty person and i like to spend time walking around Esplanade and going for free exhibitions (because i am too poor). Periodically, i also visit the beach and sit for hours, blowing smoke in the air.

Passing the tag to: KinkyNomad, Kinky Nomadess, Ribena Goddess, Kucinta and D W.

The Rojak of Life

2005-09-11T22:31:00.000+08:00

It is a Saturday afterall, i told myself. I should really go out and get some fun since i had been immersing myself in work for the whole week. I deserve some fun. And i would probably have gone back home after my shift ended wearily at 6 pm if not for Kien's timely text message to ask me out for dinner and attend ROJAK 02 which i had forgotten about (Sorry Torrance!). And of course the main attraction lies in the fact that the venue is of close proximity to my place and it would be of great convenience to travel home without compromising on having fun at the same time.

By a stroke of inspiration, i decided to take a road less travelled by since everyone else is purportedly late. I stopped myself at Parkway and decided to stroll to Siglap. Afterall, i could easily hop up a bus if i feel tired along the way. And by another genius stroke of inspiration, i did not go about the main road and started taking the weird turns and backalleys to my destination, enjoying the rain aftermath of fallen leaves and wet gravel paths. My dull eyes absorbed in the colours of the less travelled path and became life again. I had forgotten the little quirks of Singapore that made it vaguely interesting. Oikono asked me how i cope with the hungover of coming back from Canada and walking down forgotten backalleys would probably be one of the ways to deal with it.

It was a good meal at Werner's Oven which serves good home-cooked german cuisine (even though i fervently wished i had ordered the sinful Knusperiege Schweinehaxe which is really Crisy Pork Knuckle).

There were so many people at ROJAK 02. Unfortunately, i could not get a prime seat to view much of the screening and ended up near the "bar counter" observing the crowd. Behind me stood a girl and i recognized her instantly as an ex-schoolmate, possibly having cross-path many times over but never acknowledging each other's presence. I have a voyeuristic streak in me and unusual interest in people who had at any one point in time stir up a past memory in me. So while my eyes were focused on the wall that doubled as a makeshift screen with many bobbling heads in my way, my ears invariantly strayed towards her conversation with another guy whom she was just introduced to.

*A would be her and Man would denote her conversation partner.

Man: So what did you do before work?
A: I went through the normal O'Levels, A'Levels then to Arts in NUS.

pause.

A: But i gave up.
Man: Why give up?
A: (struggling to keep emotions in check and i thought i could detect a faint tremor in her voice) Someone screwed me up and i just gave up.
Man: You mustn't give up okay?

and his voice droned on as her words replayed in my mind

For the rest of the night, i saw her flitting happily amongst others and introduced herself to everyone around her. She drowned cups of red wine and had outrageous experimental fits by mixing orange juice with her red wine then with iced lemon tea to the already weird concoction, laughing and attacking a variety of cakes with gusto. Her behaviour seemed like a facade, like forced moments of gaiety. Eavesdropping on A's sad experience only serves to reiterate to me that every single person out there is bound to have a bad day, maybe some have even more of such days than others but in the end, everyone managed to stand up and learn the different ways to get on with life. I remembered when i was a tad younger and had much more angst in me, everyone around me appeared to have a much cushier growing up process and i liked to ask "Why me?", why me out of so many other peers to encounter more obstacles. And as time passes by, i grew to understand how each trial then made me a little stronger. The thoughts carried with me even when i was watching Eric Khoo's "Be With Me" (read review for this selected opening-night film of the Festival de Cannes Directors' Fornight).

The composition of film, the furniture, utensils and details are localized and familiar, wonderfully reminiscent of many of the provision stores we walk past but do not see. A silent film, indicating a world with no or lost communication, most befitting of my rather sombre mood before that.

10 Signs of Recovery

2005-09-08T23:24:00.000+08:00

Signs of recovery entails:

1. Seeing him sitting in the office and turning my head away abruptly so that i do not have to see how cute he looks today.

2. Starting to listen to James Blunt - You're Beautiful less and less (and also because one supervisor complains that he has to fucking listen to it at least 8 times a day when i am in the office and that the song is not beautiful to him anymore while another supervisor made snide remarks asking if i am feeling more beautiful by the moment having someone sing it to me that many times a day).

3. Jolting yourself from a reverie the moment the thin-crust pizza and crispy chicken wings from Ice Cold Beer is placed in front of you.

4. Thinking how incredibly handsome he looks today for a brief instant before you immediately reprieve yourself for even thinking about him at all.

5. Resisting the urge to walk past his room when office hours are over to check if he has left the office and if not, to steal one last glance by grabbing to the arms of the chair .

6. Bite the fingers to prevent messaging him via any medium at all even though his name jumped out boldly at you, prancing around, making your fingers itch to send him a message, hoping for a response.

7. When you stop thinking about him more and more frequently.

8. Starting to think the bad things about him so as to give him demerit points.

9. When you saw your supervisor accidentally pocket your pink lighter and you force him to take it out and berate him by rattling on and on about how men should respect women and not steal their lighters or their hearts for that matter.

10. When you start to sleep rather soundly at night for more than 8 hours a day.

Pillow Talk

2005-09-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday dear kinkynomadess for all the support you have given, all the companionship rendered and let our song last forever.

kinkynomadess and her tiramisu birthday cake in a cup.

All the three of us at My Secret Garden.

I am doing fine now. The heart still aches a little but the face shows more a little more smile. In life, i guess we have to give and take and accept that there will be people who love us but we are unable to love back and people whom we love but who cannot love us in return.

I had a good time last night as Miss Oxford came by for a nightcap. Stay-overs are such passe things really, i used to stay over such a lot when i was still in my teens. We girls would bring our toothbrushes, towels, change of clothes and then happily head towards another girl's house. We would talk or simply do nothing till wee hours in the morning and i know the guys can never understand how much fun we girls had bouncing on the bed, having pillow fights, digging the hearts for details about our latest crush and finally pigging out on potato chips and ice-cream to soothe the wounded souls.

Miss Oxford had me buy her favourite Mochi ice-cream and we watched Villa Wellness together. We sat on the bed lazily after the show and started our girl-talk before she gradually drifted off to sleep.

The thing about still being single and available is that there is always room and time for another one to stay over.

I'll Never Walk Alone

2005-09-03T05:07:00.000+08:00

I am on my way to recovery (from a disasterous self-inflicted state of mind called 'Lovelorn'). I have not lost touch on fun, laughter, peace and joy - my life's essential components when it comes to having a rollin' good time. For those who wonder why i seem to have withdrawn myself into a cocoon of my own and to account for the temporary melancholic spirit of The Hungry Bunny, the reason is self-reflection and because i want to find some time for myself to sit down, do nothing, space out, get away from the hustle and bustle of being too socially involved with others and others and others but not me.

In short and much less words than necessary - I miss myself. Period.

But i still love my friends dearly and could never give them up. There were the friends i knew eleven years ago, when i still had my sensational hairstyle to boast of.

There were the remnants of the blogger friends i first met on 20th December for a pre-Christmas celebration four years ago followed by subsequent impromptu meetups which lasted and held strong till now and forever more.

There were six degrees of separation cases which led on to even more, some of which forged a strong bond with me even though we do not meet on a regular basis.

There is the newer group of friends who shared many a Hoegaarden moment amidst the rock music of The UnXpected at Wala Wala, bonded by our growing beer bellies and emptying pockets.

Not forgetting the silent individuals behind me most of whom i have not met but yet they remain as my pillar of strength, giving me moments of odd surprises and whenever i falter, i would stand up straight and tall just because i want to for them.

All have come a long long way.

You know, i have never known myself to fall. Somehow i always manage to sink into a cesspit and then struggle my way out. My defiance keeps me alive but my friends keep me human. Life has been good to me and no less. And today i smiled because someone whom i have never interacted properly with in real life sent me messages to make me feel special. And that moment, i felt truly, truly cherished.

Andrea, you rock my world today.

Song of the Moment

2005-09-02T00:02:00.000+08:00

For a sceptic like me, this song has captured me like no others did for a long long time and ... perhaps, it's because the lyrics apply to me most at this period in time.

If you haven't realized, i'm not fond of pasting lyrics on my blog but there is always an exception and for a special song, it's now.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

James Blunt - You're Beautiful.mp3

The Bench

2005-08-29T01:28:00.000+08:00

Let me sing a song of tranquility,
hoping that the peace will hum in harmony with me.
There lies that bench perfect,
stone cold as i know i have to cement my heart to be.
I sat gingerly on it
and waited a moment for the hardness to envelope me.
But all i could think of was you and
it only reinforced how lonely this bench is,
with only me on it.

Animals. They Come & Go

2005-08-25T08:55:00.000+08:00

Birthday wishes ain't magic and this awful awful realization struck me in the height of my self-imposed happiness just right after midnight. At 11.39 pm, before i blew my two big candles and four small candles, i had to make a wish. Afterall, you are talking about THE Hungry Bunny, the very same bunny who thrives on fairytales, storybooks and imagination. Christmas is a magical time and so are birthdays, or so i believe.

And so there was nothing i really wanted badly and so the only wish that kept popping up to my mind was to want to be with this tall male canadian fella. Therefore i decided to hell with it and wasted my annual birthday wish. And so, after a couple of beers, i decided it was time to make him tell me how he felt about me instead of leaving me hanging in the air on a tight rope and i literally forced the truth out of him even though i know that the answer was going to be a not-so-happy one. You see, the dreamy me still keeps a little hope undashed just so in case the Prince Charming can come along, save the day, sweep me off my feet and it would revive my faith in humanity. (It never happened of course)

And the answer was "Not at this moment". It crashed my world (if momentarily) even though my Hungry Bunny reputation is supposed to be cool, savvy and totally unfazzed by minor setbacks in life. Instead i shed a total of five tears in his apartment as i looked at his TY beanie baby that was lying on his table. That bear was my favourite. It is blue and it used to create conversation topics between him and me. It also held a lot of secret hopes and desires for the future. He could not understand my devotion to the bear. To him, a bear is just a stuffed animal but to me, the bear was smiling and talking to me in our own private little code and the attraction factor of the bear is especially based on the fact that something of his could feel so close to me.

(Up to this point in time, if you think i am weird, you probably are right).

You see, not only did i not get the man i like but i also wasted one birthday wish that could be used for more .. constructive purposes like .. World Peace. What made me really mad at myself was from now on, i cannot and should not believe in birthday wishes anymore! They are just a product of my wishful thinking and imagination. Birthday wishes are not magic.

I went home and cried buckets as i kept thinking about Sherbet (the bear) and him. To complete my cool and savvy Hungry Bunny image, i emailed him a sweet email.

To: xxx

"Thank you for sharing Sherbet with me on my birthday. In a warped kind of logic, you'll never understand what kind of feelings i have for a TY beanie baby, a stuffed toy (yes i have always acknowledged the fact that he is stuffed) but you don't know what he represents to me in my little weird world.

Even though birthday wishes ain't magic despite my wanting to believe they are but one thing for sure, thank you for being here (at my birthday party) even though you must be very tired (he had jetlag) and thank you for an answer at last.

Furry giraffes (my nickname for him) don't come by often and when one does come by, he is a very special one.

:)
< insert my actual name >"

The Lonely March

2005-08-23T01:26:00.000+08:00

If there is anything i learnt from long long time ago, somewhere far far away, it is not to take things for granted. For friendships may fade, love may dissipate, feelings be gone, emotions led astray and people may change. And that is why i take everything with a pinch of salt and decided one sunny day amidst the flowers and shrubs in a beautiful place that i shall be happy and aspire to stay happy to fight the inconsistency of life.

For my friends, i only wish the best for them and want to stay in their minds wherever they are and be the first to be thought of whenever they need someone to listen to them but for myself i adopt a reckless, in-the-moment attitude, seemingly carefree and independent because silly as it sounds, there are silent nights when i wonder why i should be so careful with my life, to the heck with it, knowing and wanting to have "lived".

I flirt shamelessly - because i want to be desired.
I dream forever - because without dreams, hope is like a bird that has no wings, could not fly.
I smile often - because it makes me more attractive than if i frown.
I drink occasionally - because i like the feeling of letting alcohol dull my senses and send me into a perpetual high, giggling senselessly.
I hurt infrequently - because there is a part in me closed to everybody else in the outside world to see.

As i am about to reach the twenty fourth year in my life in two days, a quarter of a century to my credit, i realized whatever that is important to me seems like it is not far away from me but yet it seems unattainable. Watching the March of the Penquins, courtesy from Winston today, i was awestruck by the simplicity and selflessness of their little lives, giving it all to nurture Mother Nature's calling and found my heart pounding as each penquin flopped before my eyes, giving way to the white oblivion. And i thought i could see tears in their eyes.

Suddenly i thought: Even penquins have a goal to their lives and so where is mine?

And now, to the penquins who fought for life: Emilie Simon - The Frozen Ice

What's In A Hungry Bunny?

2005-08-21T20:57:00.000+08:00

What is in a hungry bunny, you may ask.

Gluttony is one of the seven sins you tell me but it is certainly not a crime. Afterall, living in this society compressing of several races and the government stressing the importance of racial harmony, eating authentic ethnic food and enjoying it seems a damn good way of showing how much i support such propaganda (and be friendly to my tummy in the meantime, keeping it happy). I am also chinese, adhering to the ancestral calling of "duo chi" as a reference of one's well-being.

In all reality, The Hungry Bunny is a girl who is not afraid to eat in front of anyone, especially the opposite gender (it is just so irritating when some women pretend to be all dainty on the juicy steak set right in front of them when all they want to do is to gobble it, wolf it and lick the plate clean! It's alright if you are really born dainty but it's a different thing when you act dainty just because there are men in front of you). Having said that, The Hungry Bunny will not, hope not and try not to be pretentious. The Hungry Bunny is hungry for all good things in life - food, music, travel, fun, love and of course, exotic men.

And you know what? The Hungry Bunny is a big-sized lady and it is not that she doesn't care. She is starting to care for her health (slowly but surely!) and is attempting to do something right now. For all the wrong reasons in the past and the right reasons from now on, The Hungry Bunny shall remain hungry but healthy.